The Journey

Welcome to the funk. Can you feel it?

I’m in a serious funk right now. Work has got me down, and I can’t see a way out. Feeling trapped inevitably leads to panic in me. I hate feeling trapped, or stuck, with no way out. It’s one of my deepest triggers. It triggers fear, panic, frustration, anxiety, dread, and weirdly, guilt. The guilt seems to result from the recurring thought that “I’ve done something wrong” which is followed by the panic/fear of impending punishment. All of this is the direct result of the belief that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. If I want to live a life of happiness and peace, then it is up to me to choose happiness and peace. And if I’m not experiencing happiness and peace, then I have invariably effed it up. Big time.

My teacher likes to say, “Sometimes you get the bear, and sometimes the bear gets you.” I love when I hear that because it somehow instantly relieves the guilt. “Hey, this is life! We’re here to learn! If you were already perfect, you wouldn’t need to be here. Let up on yourself a little and just find out what there is for you to learn in this.” That’s kind of what I hear when he says that, and I think he would agree with that interpretation.

Right now, the bear’s got me, and I normally wouldn’t write about that. Normally, I feel like I have to wait until I know exactly what I’m talking about before I can share it with the world. That way I can manage the outcome. But I’m trying something different these days, and it seems to be working out, so I’m just going to stick with it for now. And right now, that means sharing where I’m really at, even if it’s not where I’d like to be.

I’m currently working on a larger writing project, as well, in which I discuss the four major tenets I have discovered in my pursuit of happiness. Writing about it helps me because as I write it out, I learn it a little bit better. This is, in fact, my second draft of the work, and it already varies drastically from the first one. It’s kind of a whole new work in its own right. But writing about the keys to happiness while being in a funk is not so easy. At the same time, it does wonders for the funk. That’s why I thought I’d go ahead and give a try here, too.

At the same time, my desire to work on the writing project seems to further perpetuate my funk. I wonder to myself, “Who the hell am I to be writing about the keys to happiness? I feel like shit! Doesn’t that make me a fraud?” After all, if I’m going to share what I’ve learned in my personal pursuit of happiness, it can’t be anything much worth reading if I’m not the picture of happiness, right? AAANH! Wrong. Happiness is not some static thing that you attain, put in your pocket, and carry on about your merry way, never to feel a tinge of doubt or fear or sadness again. And if I claimed that I had attained such a thing, or state of being, then I definitely would be a fraud. So I’m here to tell ya, that’s just not how it works.

Happiness is an evolutionary process unto itself. My pursuit of happiness has evolved enormously over the years, and I understand it to be more accurately now, the pursuit of my reunion with my Creator. But that sounds so grand to say, and is even too big for my mind to fully grasp, so I generally just stick with the “pursuit of happiness” for now, knowing that it encompasses so much more, like uncovering the Truth of my very Being. And this process takes time. Not only does it take time, but it involves numerous learning curves that, at times, can give the impression of a roller coaster ride. And sometimes, when you’re taking a particularly sharp turn on a roller coaster ride, you may feel a little sick to your stomach.

I have this nasty habit of interpreting anything less than perfection (in this case, total contentment and inner peace) as failure. This mindset, in and of itself, is the actual problem. What I am trying to learn here is that failure is not possible. There is only learning and only progress despite how it may appear to the outer eye. The idea that I can fail is the source of a lot of my depression, anxiety, and sadness, all the while entirely unfounded. This idea, however, is enough to send me into a tailspin. This is a perfect example of the power of our thoughts over our entire world. It is our thoughts that cause our feelings, not the other way around. So when I’m in a funk, it is my thoughts that I have to look at more importantly than my feelings.

When I’m not feeling awesome, my old habit is to interpret the experience as a failure. “I must have done something wrong to cause myself to be feeling this way. I effed up again. I’m such a failure.” Then that thought turns around and kicks my ass down a rabbit hole of fear and depression. Then I find myself stuck, panicking, and unable to see a way out.

Hey man, sometimes you get the bear and sometimes the bear gets you. Sometimes you’re just “in it,” and the gentlest way to help yourself out of it is allow yourself to be where you are. Lay off your own ass, and remember, next time maybe you’ll get the bear. But one sure way to know that the bear will get you is to punish yourself for perceived imperfections or failures. We need our “failures” in order to help guide us along the correct path, the way we really want to go. They are the very guidance which we seek.

Having written all this, I see now that my perceived failures may actually just be the hidden gems of guidance for which I am constantly seeking. They show me what does work and what does not. They inform me as to which way I really want to go. In my current situation, I don’t know how that interprets to my actual, daily life yet, and that really grinds my gears. But, just the thought of getting off my own ass and allowing myself to be uncomfortable, unhappy, and “in it” lets the air back into the room so I can breathe again. Life is not a competition to be the “best” or to be “perfect.” It’s just one giant learning curve.

Until next time,

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