The Journey

When I was a child, I had a vague sense that I was going to be “great” one day. As I grew up, and my desire to escape my real life increased, my sense of “one day” increased in my mind as well. “One day” I would be free to make my own decisions. “One day” I would be out on my own living my own life. “One day” I would be free to pursue my dreams and passions.

As real childhood life grew darker and harder, the fantasy of “one day” kept me hanging on. Around the age of 14, I became deeply depressed. The fear and anxiety of my life culminated around the already intensely challenging early teenage years, and I found myself sinking in a mental quagmire that felt inescapable. My fantasy world was my only escape. Unfortunately, due to my circumstances, the fantasy world in which I escaped was also dark. I spent an inordinate amount of time contemplating suicide, death, life after death, and imagining what the world would look like without me in it. I understood that life would go on. My funeral would be a blip on the radar, and ultimately, nothing would change all that much in the grand scheme of things. But on the other hand, like the Butterfly Effect theory, there is no way to truly understand how any given decision or event will affect the entire universe on a fundamental level.

As I lay awake in my bed until 3, 4, 5 o’clock in the morning, on a nightly basis, these are the things I contemplated. I was torn between these two ideas: my life really doesn’t matter at all and there is no point to it; and, there is no way to know the impact, or fall out, that would result from my absence on down the road–things that otherwise wouldn’t (or would) occur if I remained on the earth. Besides trying to figure out the simple logistics of how to pull off suicide at the age of 14 with few deadly remedies available to me, these are the things I contemplated.

Besides struggling with the logistics of how to pull off such a feat, the one thing that I believe kept me truly hanging on was the idea of “one day.” In the end, curiosity won out. I desperately wanted to know what my life would look like “one day” when I was free to truly live and in the event that it turned out my life did have some meaning or purpose.

At the age of 18, just before I headed off to college, it seemed that “one day” had finally arrived. My whole world got turned on end, and I found myself out on my own. I finally had the freedom I had so desperately longed for, but there was still a price to pay for the years of mind-fuck that had taken place. “One day” did not turn out to be the haven of which I had dreamed.

As I timidly tip-toed out into my own independent life, my search to fulfill my inner dream of greatness increased. At the same time, my belief in my inner greatness steadily decreased. As an adult, I often found myself sinking back into the mental quagmire of my 14 year old self. I still struggled to find any meaning or purpose in my life.

Why am I here?? What is this for?? What do I have to offer??

I have since come to believe that, in many ways, the search for purpose in my life is, in itself, my life’s purpose. The search for the Meaning of Life and the Purpose of Life (in a general sense) are two totally separate, though related, issues unto themselves. Each one deserves its own attention, consideration, and introspection, but for me, the understanding of those has come more easily than the understanding of my personal purpose in this world.

Initially, I sought to realize my inner greatness on the stage. I believed that I was meant to be a great actress–not famous, necessarily–just great. But of course, “great” would inherently involve some level of fame. 😉 I pursued this purpose wholeheartedly, but much to my dismay, it repeatedly left me empty handed. As I began to achieve some level of success in my theatrical pursuit, I was blessed to have an early revelation: If the level of success that I have already achieved has not brought me any of the happiness or fulfillment that I thought it would, then why would I expect any greater level of success to do it?? I feel extremely fortunate to have had this revelation as early as I did. I could have gone on seeking and not finding the fulfillment I craved through my dramatic career for most of my life had I not stopped and taken a long, hard look at it right there.

It has taken me many more years to get to the bottom of the purpose issue and it is still evolving, but here is where I’m at now:

• The search for specialness (which results in separateness) is what I was seeking, which is why it never resulted in the sought-after happiness I expected.
• My inner greatness is true and real, but it doesn’t have anything to do with what I do in my life, in form. Rather, all that I do in my life will be a manifestation of the level of inner greatness I have uncovered, at any given point.
• My life’s purpose is not a thing. It is not something so mundane as “to be an actress” or “to be an office manager.”
• My life’s purpose is to learn, grow, and teach Love, Forgiveness, and Truth. This is not special. It is, in fact, what we are all here to do, but we all have a choice whether to accept this assignment or not. I am accepting it.
• I can fulfill my life’s purpose while working and living in any capacity that arises. Whether I am unemployed, working at McDonald’s, or a billionaire business owner. The circumstances of my life are not what matter, but the content.
• There is no “one day.” There is only today.

The more that I let go of the dream of being something special, something specific, the more I begin to realize my inherent greatness. Also, the more I let go of seeking purpose in form (i.e.: A specific job, career, or identity), the more amazing possibilities and opportunities seem to arise in my mind. In other words, when I let go and let God direct the flow of my life, so much more amazing things begin to occur than I could have ever made happen when I was taking control. The possibilities are so much greater and more expansive than anything I could have ever imagined. Being a famous actress now seems like a paltry, sad, and small life compared to the exciting and unimaginable directions that my life is now taking. Meaning and purpose seem to occur more and more on their own.

I think now that it’s not so much about finding purpose in your life so much as living with purpose in your life. Even my old, avid pursuit of happiness has begun to fall away with this new mindset. Happiness is not the goal. It is simply a result of aligning your life with Truth and Love. As I begin to consider living my life with purpose, instead of seeking purpose, I find the pursuit of happiness meaningless. Happiness is not important. Living with purpose and intention is what matters to me now. Truly connecting with others is what matters most to me now. And I can do that no matter where I live, what I do for work, or how I spend my free time. All I have to do is be open to it.

With Purpose,
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