The Journey

Since the year of 2015 began, the most consistent and reliable thing in my life has been change itself. Nothing has stood still, nothing has remained the same, nothing now sits where it sat when this year began. I could not have begun to predict the enormous amount of upheaval and unsettling that would occur in the first 6 months of this year. I’m not fool enough to assume that it’s over yet, either. But I also cannot find a single aspect of my life that remains to be unsettled or ripped away.

I can no longer point to a single, solitary thing, person, or place in my life that remains untouched by change or upheaval. Some of these changes have been exciting and liberating, others have been devastating, and all of them have shaken me to my core. Looking around as a write this, both figuratively and quite literally, nothing is familiar in my little world. The entire landscape of my life has changed, physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. Everything is new, unusual, and foreign to me. It is extremely uncomfortable. In fact, it is downright terrifying.

In her highly applicable book, The Places That Scare You – A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times, Pema Chodron writes:

I feel gratitude to the Buddha for pointing out that what we struggle against all our lives can be acknowledged as ordinary experience. Life does continually go up and down. People and situations are unpredictable and so is everything else…I feel gratitude that someone saw the truth and pointed out that we don’t suffer this kind of pain because of our personal inability to get things right.

Despite what seems to be an unusual and enormous amount of change, I am reminded that change is the only thing we can count on to be consistent. Not only that, but change is the natural and inevitable flow of existence in this world. Change itself is not the problem–it is only our resistance to it that creates pain and conflict. Whereas at one point I would have looked at my current life and judged it as unstable and insane, now I can see what it truly is: growth. In the weird twist that always results from seeing the world through the eyes of Truth rather than the usual perspective of the world, I can now begin to see that I am not going through this period of turmoil because I’ve done something wrong. Rather, this is the result of doing something right, of making the correct choices: the choice for Truth, the choice for Love, the choice for growth. It is not change that we should fear. It is sitting still. It is stagnation. It is the resistance to the natural ebb and flow of life that kills us in a slow and brutal way.

In the same book, Pema goes on to explain:

That nothing is static or fixed, that all is fleeting and impermanent, is the first mark of existence. It is the ordinary state of affairs. …Once I was changing jobs and houses at the same time. I felt insecure, uncertain, and groundless. Hoping that he would say something that would help me work with these changes, I complained to Trungpa Rinpoche about having trouble with transitions. He looked at me sort of blankly and said, ‘We are always in transition.’ Then he said, ‘If you can just relax with that, you’ll have no problem.’

I am taken back to a fundamental spiritual principle: All pain results from a resistance to what is. The lesson here seems to be surrender. As I let go of my rigid ideas and insistence about how things must be, there is peace to be found in just allowing. This means that I must allow myself to experience the grief, the pain, the longing and the inner turmoil without resistance or judgment. I must also allow myself to experience the relief, the ease, and the freedom without guilt. I must allow myself to be where I am with gentleness, self-acceptance, and Love. But most of all, I must learn to let go of my own ideas and agendas in an act of total Trust and Faith in He Who knows far better what is best for me than I do.

Looking back, it seems as if part of me woke up on January 1st, 2015 and said, “This year, I want to become a master of heartbreak, rejection, loss, and dissolution.” And it seems, I got my wish. I know that none of this is happening to me, rather this is happening as a result of what I have chosen. I am not a victim of the circumstances but an active creator of them, even if not consciously. But despite the inevitable pain and suffering, I can also see the precious and incomparable gifts that these experiences are offering me. Despite outer appearances, it is not all doomy gloomy.

In the midst of all this, I have experienced something else that is difficult to put into words…but I will try. There is a deep inner knowing that I can only describe as Peace. No matter how painful or hard things seem to get, there is this steady, quiet, but persistent Voice in the very back of my mind that assures me I am okay. Not only am I okay, but secretly, deep down, He’s trying to convince me that I am soaring, I am joyous, I am Free. He seems to insist that everything is working out for my highest and best good, regardless of how scary or dark present circumstances may appear. And He sends me evidence of this in both small and major ways. The key to receiving His support is learning to recognize and appreciate it in all of its subtle glory.

I am learning to recognize His hand in all that transpires now: He sends me a bevy of supporters from out of nowhere to both assist and uplift me. He provides the means and circumstances for me to move forward where I saw none. He sends me songs, words of encouragement, and steadfast counsel to lean on. He is letting me know that I am never alone, I am never unsafe, and I am always provided for and protected, in all situations and in all ways. He’s not just telling me, He is proving it to me. He is also showing me that I am being given a precious opportunity to exercise the vastly deepening Faith that I am cultivating. Without these experiences, how would I ever know that I cannot fall? How would I ever know that I cannot fail? How would I ever know that I cannot lose? How would I ever know that I CAN fly? Jesus is showing me that, as long as I put my faith in Him, I couldn’t fuck up if I tried. Try that on for peace.

Bless the hard times as much as the good times. Without the hard times, we couldn’t be galvanized and molded into the gems that we really are. Without facing the worst, we wouldn’t know that it can’t kill us and we wouldn’t get to experience what we are capable of becoming. I’m not going to lie about how much it hurts and it sucks, but I won’t sit here and tell you that it’s not totally worth it either. It’s always darkest before the dawn, breakdowns are followed by breakthroughs, and all that shit. If you’re walking this journey right now, I’d be willing to bet you’re facing your own set of fears and upheaval. I’m here to tell you you’re not alone, you never have been and you never can be. Surrender to the experience, put your Faith in Him, and watch Him carry you over the rubble. There is Grace for us here.