The Journey

More than a year ago, I received an email from a family member with the subject line: “Cutting the ties that bind.” I hadn’t spoken to this person in more than a year at that point, so I recognized the cutting intentions behind the subject line. However, I also recognized the potential freedom it represented, and indeed, the matter of the email did indicate the conclusion of what was considered unfinished business for that person. But for me, money doesn’t represent a tie that binds, or any other piece of financial business, for that matter; though I will be the first to acknowledge that it can certainly be used with that intention.

I’ve been thinking recently about a saying from the Bible that references “the sins of the father” being visited upon his children. Then this week, Keith Sudano’s most recent podcasts referenced the same thing. To me, when truly understood, it is these “sins of the father” that represent the real ties that bind.

Before I go any further, let me explain this reference within the terms and meaning that I am using it. I feel that this saying is often used in the Church with an accusatory slant meant to place blame and possibly eschew responsibility. I don’t see it that way. I have come to understand the meaning of this teaching to be referring to the hereditary mental and emotional mindsets, or “baggage,” that is passed down from generation to generation within a family over centuries. We all have this. And if we understand the original definition of “sin” to be “error” or “missing the mark,” then this definition of “sins of the father” makes perfect sense. Therefore, it does not necessarily mean children being unfairly punished or otherwise suffering for their parents grievous shortcomings or evil deeds.

…But in another sense, it sort of does. We inherit certain ideas, ideals, and mindsets from our families and oftentimes these are indeed punishing to us and cause great suffering. In other words, we inherit the errors in thinking (I.e.: erroneous beliefs and mindsets, such as racism, lack or poverty mindset, etc) that do not serve us and, in fact, hurt us. But we also choose whether to embrace and embody these ideas, unconsciously or not, so we are never powerless victims in the matter. I feel that it is important to make this distinction since victimization goes to the heart of my personal “sins of the father” baggage.

I grew up with an enormous amount of religious dogmatic indoctrination which instilled a deep belief in a punishing deity. In addition, the powerlessness that I felt as a child helped me to embrace a portrait of victimhood and martyrdom that was exemplified for me by my parents, as well. Over the past decade, I have dedicated myself to uncovering and forgiving my own personal demons. During this process, I have come face to face with some of the uglier aspects and attributes that I inherited and chose to take on for myself. I have been pretty open in sharing what these are to the degree of my own awareness of them, on this blog. I have acknowledged, confronted, and wrestled with my own damaging ideas and beliefs about myself with as much willingness and dedication as I could muster. And over time, I have come to feel almost entirely defined by them.

My last post demonstrates the overwhelming effect that the labels of my personal lessons/struggles have come to have on me. In my most recent session with my teacher, we came to discover that the label of “Poor Me” has become so big and all-encompassing in my mind that it has actually turned into a stigma. As a result, it feels like a huge, dark, and inescapable hole. There’s no climbing out of this one. And that, in turn, reinforces the entire mindset of the poor me itself. So, it snowballs and accumulates and becomes a brand burned into my forehead that surely everyone who encounters me can clearly see and from which I can never fully redeem myself.

As it turns out…this is not true at all. Within the span of the briefest moment, I was entirely absolved of this “sin.” Once we saw clearly what was happening, he explained to me that this interpretation of the poor me is totally inaccurate. I was let off the hook. Decades of “sins of the father” were lifted off of my shoulders and I cannot explain the cathartic effect that this had on me. An aspect of the old “poor me” that I inherited and had chosen to take on throughout this life died right then and there, on the spot. The relief is indescribable.

I am no longer defined by this title. This now means that I am allowed to have a bad day or feel blue without spiraling into a hole of guilt and shame for being a colossal failure as a despicable, unloveable “poor me.” (That’s what was happening!) I am allowed to be human again. I’m allowed to freely experience the full range of human emotions without that brand on my forehead searing me and turning bright red. I am allowed to fuck up, to be real, to be me. Because I am not a Poor Me. Once I was absolved of this “sin,” so to speak, I in turn allowed myself to be absolved. I’m so happy, I could shout it from rooftops. I am not a poor me.

What this means is that I can now be vigilant for any temptation to be sucked into a power drama of victimization within my own mind without being defined by it. This allows me to see it more clearly, confront it more fearlessly, and let it go far more easily. In fact, that tendency isn’t even that common in me anymore. However, it is familiar, and therefore, I will remain vigilant about shining a light on anything that looks like it might smack remotely of that old powerlessness, victimization, and martyrdom. I do this now because it is the kindest and most empowering thing that I can do for myself, not because I am inherently gross and need to rid myself of that damn spot on my character. I’m free at last!

This is cutting the ties that bind, for I have known no other tie that has bound me more tightly than the the erroneous ideas and mindsets that I have chosen to take on in this life. I don’t have to believe in a punishing and vengeful God. I don’t have to use victimhood as a tactic of defense to illicit protection and gentleness from others. I don’t have to earn approval and love to be worthy of it. I am inherently safe; I am inherently lovable; I am inherently worthy. <—THESE are the ideas I choose to cultivate and embrace now.

This revelation and absolution has the power to impact every part of my life, and there has never been a more critical time for me to see that impact than right now. I have to believe that this year has been the unbearable undoing that it has for a reason. I have to believe that there is something amazing waiting just around the corner. And I believe that this incredible release is just the beginning of that.

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