The Journey

I have a little victory to share. I’ve spent this week practicing the patience and Trust realization that I had last weekend, and I am pleased to report that it has totally panned out for me. In recent weeks, I have found a new level of steadiness and consistency in my life. This past week seems to have further cemented that development a little bit which is a great success for me. It’s not that everything has been constant sunshine and rainbows. It’s just that I’m finding my groove despite the ups and downs of the everyday. Not to be trite, but I may nickname 2015 as the year CC Got Her Groove. Not back, but for the first time. We’ll see. It’s not over yet.

Sometimes, I worry that this blog will become a vortex of struggle and pain as I share about my experiences and discoveries. I wonder if I’m really doing something wrong not to be writing (and experiencing) sunshine and rainbows all the time. I think that this is in great part due to the ever-present pop-spirituality with which we are so often surrounded. It seems like spirituality should be all about feeling good–otherwise, what’s the point? And I think that is why I am continually surprised by how hard it is. The truth is, real spiritual growth is messy and involves a whole lot of ugly-crying. And it has always been that way. As my teacher is so fond of quoting: “True wisdom is always preceded by great suffering.”

My friend Stephanie hit the nail on the head when she shared this “aha! moment”: “If you want to be an enlightened master, you go sit on a mountaintop and meditate. If you want to be a spiritual ninja, you go to work in a coffee shop.” Right on, Steph, right on. And that has been my path. In fact, it has been one of stripping away the “spirituality” in me. You know, the cotton candy of  feel-good “spirituality.” Also, the religious dogma of Do’s, Don’t’s, and endless judgement, always trying to get it right and earn my way back into Heaven and God’s good graces.

So this year has been extra helpings of that down and dirty spiritual growth–the kind where you finally begin to grow up a little bit. It’s like going through spiritual puberty and then all the drama and upheaval of adolescence leading up to adulthood. In other words, a fucking roller coaster. All the cracks in my personal system became glaringly evident and playtime was over. I got to see just where I stood in the arena of Faith, and to be honest, the ground beneath me was much more precarious than I would have liked and that discovery was quite a blow.

After having lost my job at the beginning of the year, followed by the dissolution of more than one friendship that I thought would be in my life forever, my relationship also ended in the middle of this year. This event changed the entire landscape of my worlds, both inner and outer. The mental, physical, and emotional upheaval that ensued threatened to completely overtake me. I was standing on shaky ground at best and the glaring lack of steadiness and Faith in me could no longer be overlooked.

And the hits didn’t stop coming there. Things would get worse before they got better. More tumultuous change was accented by an intensely uncomfortable work life that reached comic proportions of absurdity. All of this insanity and chaos was underscored by all of the pain and suffering that I was already experiencing, creating an almost intolerable life. During this time, weekends became the hardest. Eventually, I would be working straight through the weekend which, despite the drama of my work life, was almost a relief because at least then I didn’t have to deal with the hole(s) in my life that were somehow much harder to ignore Friday evening through Sunday night. Weekends were supposed to be my happy time, my time to connect with the people in my life, to play and have fun. Now, those people were gone and it was just me. Just…me.

Eventually, the job situation blew up and I had to go on an internal pilgrimage that was brief but intensely dark. I couldn’t believe that things could get darker, but they could! Nothing in our daily outer world can begin to compare with the core darkness that lies at the heart of us, deep deep within. As I came out the other side of this deep soul-searching, however, the clouds began to part ever so slightly.

Despite everything, I just keep moving forward, one metaphorical foot in front of the other. Oftentimes, I’ve really had to chunk down to just doing the next thing, like the monks whose spiritual practice is in washing their bowl or peeling potatoes. I just focused on whatever was in that present moment reminding myself constantly to “just wash your bowl.” It sounds funny, but it’s kept me going.

And then, without even knowing how or why, little things started falling into place. I realized I was beginning to heal, though that’s an ongoing process. And now, I’m beginning to find pieces of clarity at times, as well.

My teacher gave me an assignment to write down the major, positive shifts and growths that I have experienced over the past five months alone. It took me some time to reflect on this, but when I typed up the entire list this morning, I was overwhelmed. I have been “in it” for so long now, head down, plodding forward, letting go of my pride and just focusing on making it over the next hill. Stopping to look around and take stock of my surroundings, the transformation is hard to grasp. I am different. Unbelievably different. And so much better off for it. My life is different. Incredibly different. And it’s getting better…

I have Faith. Some Faith, anyway.

I don’t just have Faith. I have built Faith. When my house came crashing down and I realized how much faith I lacked, my first question was, “How does one get Faith??” And my teacher answered, “By going through this.”

I didn’t want to go through it. I didn’t want to suffer. I still don’t want to suffer. In my last session I specifically said, “I don’t want to have to suffer to learn!” But looking at that list this morning, I realized something that is absolutely astounding in light of all that my Pisces self has so deeply felt and experienced over the past year: It was actually worth it for what I have learned and who I have become so far. I can’t believe I am saying that, but…it’s incredibly true. And most remarkably of all, I have a level of Faith (aka confidence) that you can’t buy at any seminar, church service, or self-help book.

Today I find myself standing briefly at the crest of a hill, and looking around, the scenery is quite pleasant. I currently have a job that I can’t believe I get paid to do! I have found some ease in the unknown of my day to day. I have learned that relationships do not really end: They may change forms and they may shift, but nothing is beyond healing. For that, I am incredibly grateful! I live in a beautiful home in which I find comfort and serenity in its solitude. And I woke up on this beautiful Saturday morning looking very forward to spending my time however I may choose and with myself!

Yes, this journey is hard and much of the time I resist the more unpleasant aspects. I have felt resentful of all the change and wondered when it would end. I have thought myself “unstable” and basically punished for going through so much upheaval. But then I realized something this morning: Change is healthy. I don’t want to have a stagnant life because evolution and growth necessarily involve change and that is a positive thing. The greatest victory I can think of at this point is to achieve this recent steadiness and some internal constancy in spite of the ongoing change because it’s not over yet. But my compass is pointed North, and though the ship may rock and storms may come, I’m headed home.

Livin’ la vida loco,
cc