The Journey

Fear is a liar.

That has been my mantra of late. Fear is always a liar. The bitch of it is, it always has been and its pure insubstantiality has been proven to me time after time again. And yet, I still seem to fall for it, time after time again. How many times does it have to be proven that fear is a liar every.single.time.? I guess as many times as it takes for me to finally rest assured that there is nothing and no one to fear–ever.

A deeply religious southern background taught me to fear the wrath of god and the switch with which my butt could be whipped. In other words, punishment loomed around every corner. And I bought into it, every bit of the way. I recently had a first-hand reminder of this old mindset and way of life. I’ve clung to that mindset most of my life, despite attempts to make positive changes in my life. I’m not saying my attempts have been in vain. Certainly not. A great deal of progress has been made. But at the end of the day, we cannot hang on to one last shred of fear and also awaken to the Full Truth about ourselves.

So I have challenged my belief in punishment and a punishing God. I gotta say you guys–It’s one of the best and most rewarding things I’ve ever put my heart into. Challenging a belief in punishment is just one form of challenging the belief in fear at all. But one thing I can say with confidence is that there is no tool more effective in keeping us away from Truth, Love and God than the belief in punishment. Fear and punishment are ALWAYS a result of guilt. And “guilt is the mortar that holds the bricks of the ego together,” and ego always = fear.

“Guilt seems to be an honest, objective reaction to the ego, an effort to chase it away. But it is actually the ego judging itself, in an effort to reinforce itself. ‘Self-blame is…ego identification, and as much an ego defense as blaming others’ (ACIM T-11.IV.5:5)” (Relationships as a Spiritual Journey, Robert Perry, pg. 56). Guilt, punishment, fear…they’re all really one thing. And they’re all bullshit. So how does one appropriately respond to bullshit? Brush it off! Don’t take it seriously!

One of my biggest challenges has been learning NOT to take the ego so damn seriously! The more earnestly I try to understand it, work it out, unravel it, the more bogged down I become in it. The Course tells us that the only correct use of denial is denial of the ego. To deny something is to refute its power or the idea that it even exists. That is the only correct response to ego, both within ourselves and in others. Of course, this takes a hell of a lot of practice, but it’s worth practicing! Because every great spiritual teacher and resource tells us one thing: God is Love and God wills ONLY Love for us. God cannot will Love for us and punishment for us at the same time. It’s such an overwhelmingly blatant contradiction and there is absolutely no way around it. It’s either one or the other. Fear and Love cannot coexist. So we must make a choice. Do you want to believe in fear or do you want to believe in Love?

I choose Love. Love wins out every time. So every time we take ego seriously, we deny God’s Love for us. How fucked up is that?? Also, P.S. Who the hell do I think I am to defy God’s Own Will for me by denying His Love and clinging to fear/punishment/guilt? Talk about some ego balls!

Instead, my defiance would be better served directed at the ego. And what is more powerful than the defiance of lighthearted laughter? A Course in Miracles explains, “Into eternity, where all is one, there crept a tiny, mad idea, at which the Son of God remembered not to laugh. In his forgetting did the thought become a serious idea, and possible of both accomplishment and real effects. Together, we can laugh them BOTH away…” (Urtext T 27 I 6:1-3; italics mine). In this section He talks about how ridiculous the world of ego in which we think we live really is and how it deserves nothing more than mere laughter from us.

Trying to figure out, justify, explain, or dissect the ego is ultimately futile. Sometimes, that is required to help us see what it really is and to realize that we don’t need to investigate it any further. I know that has certainly been the case for me. Like anything, the Holy Spirit can use the process of ego-investigation for His Own purposes. But eventually, we must give up our fascination with our egos. We must give up our insistence on our belief in punishment, guilt, unworthiness, and fear. We MUST learn to accept God’s Love as He intends for us to. And you can’t do both at the same time.

So the real question is how we can accomplish this. Well, first and foremost, I have learned that forgiveness is the primary tool we have been given for just this purpose. And hand in hand with that, our Will is also required. True forgiveness cannot be accomplished without “enacting your Will” (as my teacher likes to say). You must be both willing and determined to see the Truth which means letting go of your old way of seeing things. It means simply handing over your guilt and fear instead of inspecting, explaining, or justifying why you should have it. Give it up! Hand it over! And be willing, instead, to accept and embrace the Truth: God’s Love, peace, happiness–they’re all waiting for us to simply choose them instead.

It’s so simple that it’s mind blowing. It’s difficult to fathom how something so simple could be so damn hard. But it doesn’t have to be. It’s up to us how long it takes to come around to the Truth of who we really are and what God really wills for us. No sacrifice is required, except that you give up your belief in your guilt, your fear, and punishment–if you can call that sacrifice. I call it relief.

Whenever in doubt about the correct way to go, I have to stop, get quiet, look inside, and determine what voice I am listening to: fear or Love. Is it reinforcing my doubts, lack, punishment or guilt? Or–even if the direction it’s pointing me seems scary–is the Voice behind it one of Love, peace, joy, and honoring my Self? I get to choose what I listen to and what I take seriously, as do you. Oftentimes the right thing is scary to me. But a true act of defiance is giving the middle finger to your deepest fears. Ten times out of ten, fear is lying.

“When making changes, always seek the higher vibrations of love, peace, joy, patience, and abundance.” ~James Van Praagh

In Defiance,
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