The Journey

It was me. It was all my fault. I am to blame. …Blame me.

That’s how it feels now.

And yet…that feels so unfair. Because it was you too. It was us. All of us.

But then…what about him? What responsibility does HE shoulder?? None, of course. Never. Not him. He’s not to blame. It’s me. It’s you. It’s US. It’s OUR issues. Naturally. Never him.

I lost 14 years and a self I never even found to begin with. I lost my mind, my hopes, my dreams, my ambitions and my voice. I lost my agency – if I ever had any. I lost my opinions, my gentleness, my open heartedness, my kindness, my open mindedness, my power, my belief in Love. I lost 25 pounds by accident or incident. And then I lost…my dignity.

I gained anger. I gained judgment. I gained confusion. I gained hate. I gained dark nights and darker days. I gained shame. I gained guilt. I gained…blame.

I left with paranoia, I left with fear, I left with suspicion, I left with deep pain. But I also left my doubt, my despair and my weakness behind.

His lies were many and continual. His projections, endless. His blame, boundless. His dominance, unquestioned. He was the perpetrator, the predator, the thief all along. He was the thing he claimed he would protect me from. He was my worst enemy wrapped in the blanket of my best friend. He threatened to devour my soul. And the worst part is, I let him.

I lost everything…for now. I gained rage, a fire I caught from him. So, he and I will share this rage now and let it burn us to ash, then use it as the torch to guide the way forward. For that is all that is left.