The Journey

Has anyone else out there noticed that around this time of year the general populace seems to lose their damn minds?

I’ve been watching this week. Watching closely. I’ve been watching myself, watching others, and watching the interactions between myself and others. It’s like a massive, collective kool-aid drinking has taken place. It’s weird…

And in fact, I believe that’s exactly what it is. A collective intoxication from imbibing too much bullshit from the mainstream, media-fueled, memory-lane-laced mind drug. Folks walking–no, rushing–about like some crazed holiday junkies. And I’m standing in the middle of it all, too freshly sobered to be completely immune to it all, but far enough removed to be seeing it all quite differently from the community of folks around me.

After being all but pushed out of work yesterday afternoon in a mass exodus for which I had no forewarning, I made my way to the grocery store. I just needed to pick up a few things, and with an unexpectedly early start to a four day vacation, I was in no kind of rush. I seemed to be the solitary exception in this regard, a growing trend I have observed all week.

People were to-ing and fro-ing both in traffic and the grocery aisles. My moderate to leisurely pace was a thinly veiled nuisance to those I encountered. And I couldn’t help but wonder–is it going to stay this way for the rest of the year?? Has everyone lost their damn minds?!

But it’s not just the heavy traffic and the mad dashes that have me questioning all that is happening around me. It’s what I see in others’ eyes. It’s what I have been a full part of my entire life.

For the past week, I have been asked countless times what I will be doing this week. And I have been regaled countless times with other peoples’ plans. These interactions have been the most interesting to me and the most telling. I have no plans. I am not going anywhere, I am not seeing anyone, and I am not doing anything. Best of all, I feel great about this. Not pretend-great; truly great. And I watched and waited for something else to come up: sadness, loneliness, self-pity. And I used each one of these interactions to help me find some of that, but I couldn’t find it. I can see nothing wrong here.

But I could see and feel the discomfort that my lack of plans produced in others. Should they feel sorry for me? Should they applaud me? Should they gently tip-toe away? Haha! And in fact, all of those have happened. Near strangers have even invited me over for dinner! And while I am touched by their generosity and warmth, I am so totally contented with my lack of plans that I could not imagine changing my mind. So, isn’t it interesting that this should cause such discomfort in others?

And perhaps even more interesting is hearing others talk about their own plans. Like I said, I have been watching closely. Here is what I’ve seen: a sort of bubble-gum enthusiasm just over the surface of shifting feet, averted eyes, and anxiety falling just short of wringing hands. There is an old sort of hype that hails back to our school-age days: a four day weekend! Seeing family and eating lots of food, and tradition and roles and comfort, oh my! I remember all that and I remember craving it, too. I remember the intoxicating high of holiday fever seeping into my bones as a child and falling under the permanent impression that these were happy times when everyone came together and everyone was happy and everything was okay. I can remember, also, the struggle to reconcile this ancient impression with the reality I was experiencing as I grew out of my teenage years and into adulthood.

Watching others, I can now see that I am not the only one who has struggled with this. We are conditioned to believe that we are supposed to be happy about all of this. And we want to be happy. But there’s also fear, obligation, and constant comparing going on, all of which creates great anxiety. We are meant to recap our entire lives and indeed our very being in one or two days to people we only see once or twice a year and we want to win at this! We want others to be convinced of how well we are doing because we want to be convinced of how well we’re doing. It’s like an intensive, real-life 48 hours of facebook.

That was my experience of “the holidays,” anyway.

I am all for the expression of gratitude. In my experience, that is one of the fundamental keys to happiness. If only that were what it’s all really about. I fucking love gratitude. I try to express gratitude every single day before I get out of bed in the morning. I think we should find ways to give thanks all year round. Meanwhile, Verizon has turned our one token day of gratitude into “Thanksgetting.” I’m not even joking. I can’t believe it either.

But then…I kind of can. Because the mind drug that has us all walking around like zombies with perma-grin and simultaneously knitted brows has no real interest in gratitude or true connection or authenticity. Which brings me to the final jump of my mind’s ramblings of the past week: Mind control…

Have you ever noticed that comic characters who possess a special ability of mind control are invariably villains? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve been thinking about this and I can’t think of a single comic character who possesses a form of mind control and uses it for good. Take Sylar, for example, from Heroes, or Kilgrave from Jessica Jones. In the episodes with Dracula from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, he also has the power to compel humans and is, of course, a villain. Any occurrence in any episode that involves interfering with the minds and thoughts of others are always full of chaos and fear and villainy. In fact, Kilgrave’s influence over others is attributed to a virus he emits.

How very analogical, don’t you think? The more I thought about it, the more I saw these villainous characters as perfect analogies for ego. For isn’t that what ego is? It’s an intruder, a virus, in our minds. It’s a system of thought control. It dictates to us what we should think, how we perceive, and how we should feel. And we feel compelled to listen to it. All the while, it’s not our true thoughts or our true mind. We’re allowing ourselves to be mind-controlled.

This realization brought me to the answer for my original question. Yes, we have in fact all lost our damn minds. And this year, the “holiday season” is helping to highlight that for me. I want to step aside from the ego’s mind-control and be okay, truly okay, every single day of the year, no matter where I am or what I’m doing. I want to feel happy, loved, peaceful, and connected always. I want to give thanks and warm hugs and gifts as a way of life. Most of all, I want to actually connect with others authentically.

This is simply what I have seen and experienced this past week as I have been questioning my own thoughts, behaviors, traditions, and mindsets. I intend to keep watching as the days and weeks wear on to see what else I feel, experience, and observe during this very intense time of year. I hope you too are finding some connection, contentment, and peace today and always.

Gobble on,
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