The Journey

Recently, I was telling my teacher about a situation that I knew I had to confront. But, I was afraid. I told him what I was afraid of. Do you know what he said? He didn’t say that my fear was silly. He didn’t rationalize why I shouldn’t harbor the fear that I did. He didn’t say that my fear was wrong and he didn’t say that is was justified. He said just one thing:

“Why honor the fear?”

Well, shit. There’s not much I could say to that. Could you? After all, any response to that would only be arguing for my fear, aka misery. Because when you get down to it, regardless of any “reasons” (aka “excuses”) for being fearful, fear itself is always bullshit. *Ahem* Excuse me for being so plebeian–what I mean to say is, fear is always a lie…aka bullshit.

So, I did not honor the fear. I felt it, but I did what I knew was right. I “felt the fear and did it anyway,” if you will. And do you know what happened? No, all my wildest dreams did not come true. But I got to feel damn good about my courageous and capable self. What I did not do was stop feeling afraid.

The truth is, I realized, I walk around feeling various levels of fear All.The.Time. It’s not that I squeak out my interactions with a quaking voice or that my hands and knees are visibly shaking morning, noon and night (although that does occur on occasion as well), but I am still nevertheless in a fairly routine state of fear. When you think about all the human conditions that basically boil down to fear, I think that this realization applies to most. Think about it:

1.) Am I feeling nervous?
2.) Am I experiencing low-level, underlying–or outright–anxiety?
3.) Am I justifying, defending, or making excuses for myself?
4.) Am I judging (in any way, shape, or form)?
5.) Am I worrying about something in the future?
6.) Am I upset about something in the past?
7.) Am I bored, disgruntled, or flat out angry?
8.) Am I depressed?

And the list goes on and on and on. To basically encompass it all, let’s just ask: “Am I anything less than completely and totally blissed-out happy?”

Dios mio. Think about it. When I do, I realize that at least one of these things applies to me at any given moment, and this is by no means an extensive list of the various outer forms of one basic inner state: Fear. It’s so overwhelming when you begin to see it, in fact, that one could easily begin to nurture an anxious fear about the fact that one is so damn fearful. …But don’t do that. Seriously. Don’t.

Some self-help sages will tell you to become friends with your fear. To talk to your fear like it’s a little child. To be gentle and kind with your fear. Well, maybe. I suppose all that has its time and its place depending upon where we are on our paths and in our growth. But on the other hand, when confronted with this one brazen question, there’s not much else to do but say, “Two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it”:

Why honor the fear?

This simple question has become a mantra of sorts in my head. Not only do I live in a scarily persistent state of fear most of the time (see!), but I’ve been facing quite a few fearful situations and circumstances of late. This has been one of the most scared shitless times in my life, so naturally, becoming friends with my fear has not felt very appealing or doable. On the other hand, seeing it and choosing not to honor it has been the only real way forward, through it, and into a new and better place, state of mind, and being.

Here’s the thing: “honoring” the fear (listening to it and allowing it to make my choices for me) only keeps me stuck and increasingly fearful. Choosing not to honor it (neither listen to it or allow it to choose for me) keeps me moving forward. The irony is that choosing to fly in the face of fear does involve a brief intensification, followed by great relief and empowerment. But that’s just my experience.

While I still find that I have enormous amounts of fear playing in the background of my mind that I must deal with, bit by bit, I also find that for each fear I choose not to honor, I subsequently lose a great deal of that former fear. Every time I step up to the plate and choose to take a swing, whether it’s a hit or a miss, I am less afraid to step back up to the plate the next time, simply because I invariably learned something from the previous bat and subsequently became slightly less fearful. Less and less and less afraid, little by little, in various areas over time.

This topic has been brewing in the back of my mind for a minute now, and I guess the reason I’m writing it now is because….I find myself afraid. And I need to be reminded that fear is always a lie, and most importantly, I have a choice about whether to buy into it or not. Each and every day, it seems like there is something new to confront, another fear to face, and another challenge to accept. But that means that each and every tomorrow is filled with more confidence, more comfort, more safety and more Love, so all in all, it’s definitely worth it. If I keep it up, one day I might become so lighthearted and free that I simply float away!

But until then…I ask myself again and again: “Why honor the fear?” Two tears in a bucket…

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