The Journey

“It’s been a long time…I shouldn’t’ve left you…without a dope beat to step to, step to…”
~Timbaland

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Warning: Stream of Consciousness Below

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In my silence, I am thinking….I am working….it is a long and tedious process and consumes every moment of every day…most of the time. And then suddenly, one day, I wake up and here I am, in a whole new world, new life, new everything.

It is shocking. It is alarming. It is overwhelming. It is utterly invigorating. And it is completely exhausting.

I’m still wondering and still asking myself…who am I and what am I doing here? How do I show up authentically in this place, learn to take up all my space, to take the next, brave step and share openly, brazenly the truth of this experience and my utter, unabashed humanness with all the other humans around me in their own jumbled up, tumultuous, life consuming humanness?

We ARE all in this together, after all. Every single last one of us. The aware and unaware (trigger words!), the open and the closed, the self righteous and the self loathing, the self aware and the oblivious, the liars and the blamers, the victims and the abusers, the accusers and the martyrs, the self-appointed teachers and the self-appointed students, the workers and the layabouts, the strivers and the sleepers. I do believe we are all aspects of One Consciousness in the end and that this whole parade of characters will eventually give way to only Truth, only Love.

I’m so grateful not to hide anymore, not to be cowering in the dark, betraying my conscience and my soul, paying allegiance to a false and wooden god. I’m so grateful to be free of all the binds, all the lies, all the control and manipulation, all the deceitful exploitation. I am grateful to be free of such judgment and condemnation. Free to be exhausted, free to be overwhelmed, free to contemplate, free to be melancholy, free to laugh and free to cry as the moment dictates. I am so grateful to be free. To be here, in the fresh, raw world, living and breathing as an utterly unbound, vulnerable, open, honest human being taking her each next breath with keen awareness of every last detail surrounding this beautiful, messy, exhausting, and overwhelming untethered life.

And yet…in the morning, I stand in the kitchen looking about me like a stunned deer, grasping for the threads of a reality that continues to slip easily through my outstretched fingers. One of these days, I will catch a bit of that thread and this will all begin to feel real, to be normal. This dream that I am living will solidify into every day life.

It is just a season. A transitionary phase. But like the crisp, spine tingling first days of Fall, it is a season that feels new, different and alive with every single breath. It is a season of new beginning, of redemption, of hope, of life overcoming death. Don’t be fooled by the cascade of falling leaves and the withering gray of approaching winter. It is just a season. A necessary season of descent before the march of impervious life rises back up into rebirth, as it does over and over and over again.

We may still be covered in ashes, but these wings will learn to fly once more.