The Journey

I have made a remarkably beautiful and satisfying discovery since I left the high control group and the abusive personal relationship that came with it. It is so simple and yet so profound:
I can love myself.
I’m actually pretty damn good at it.

During the years I toiled away at my spiritual growth, sitting at the proverbial feet of my spiritual teacher, I was admonished over and over again on how many of my problems stemmed from a lack of love for myself. And indeed, when I spent 3 weeks working my way through Louise Hay’s Mirror Work program, I experienced dramatic shifts within myself and my surroundings from practicing her techniques to cultivate self love. It was extremely helpful but it was also extremely difficult. And in the years following that work, it was incredibly hard to hold onto the love I had cultivated.

Now I can see what a Mt. Everest-like climb it is to uncover and practice self-love when you are under constant threat of ridicule, abuse and punishment. I continued to love and support myself, the best I could, but it was like trying to dig myself out of a grave with a gardening spade. I was always just barely keeping my nose above water. When you’re in an oppressive group or relationship, you are under siege 100% of the time. All of your internal (and possibly external) resources are devoted to survival.

So if you will just indulge me in a bit of celebration and revery in the beauty of the Life After, I’ll tell you about how shockingly easy and enjoyable it is to be loving to myself now that I am away from those dark forces and have only the struggles of every day life and the recovery process to contend with.

It’s AMAZING!!!

First off, there’s the freedom. Oh, sweet freedom. I have the freedom to think and feel whatever I am thinking and feeling in the moment. I don’t have to hide it. I don’t have to censor it. I can even express it to the people around me without fear of inciting rage, ridicule or judgment. There are no more eggshells!!!! I can walk and talk and interact freely. I can just be me.

Speaking of being me….I get to remember and uncover exactly WHO that is! I can explore and indulge in all the things that I love to do, all the things that light me up. I’d forgotten what so many of those things were. I’d hidden and repressed them for one reason or another or just forgotten about them because I no longer had the time, freedom or energy to indulge in them. It is a grand adventure to rediscover life’s loves and passions. All the little things that feed your individual soul. Without them, we grow old and wither and die, even if we’re still technically alive. CC had died a good while back. But the resurrection process is positively glorious!

I love to bake. And to cook. For years, I didn’t get to do this. Details on why I was no longer able to indulge in the simple act of preparing a proper dinner will come at a later date – this is a happy post. But suffice to say, one of my simplest joys – and an activity that is very healthy and grounding for me – disappeared. In my process of recovering my health on every level, including my physical health, I have rediscovered my absolute passion for cooking, creating and baking healthy, nurturing, delicious foods. And feeding people! I LOVE to feed people. So it is no small thing that I’ve landed in a work community that loves and appreciates my culinary offerings. It feeds my soul to make food and to feed others. When I lost this, I’d lost a very core part of my being. It feels indescribably wonderful to have this piece of myself back where it belongs.

I discovered my love of kitchen arts right around the same time I discovered my passion for performance, when I was only a child. I attended a serious ballet school from the age of 7-9 and immediately fell in love. I had my first backstage experience during the annual production of The Nutcracker. My whole body was electrified by the energy of the backstage vibes, to say nothing of the act of stepping out onto the stage itself. It was positively magical and I was instantly in love. I’d never felt so alive. That draw toward performance arts never dwindled, and although I was unable to pursue it as a kid, I went on to major in Theater Studies when I went to college. It was the first time in my life I had the freedom to pursue performance and it was all I wanted to do. I couldn’t even consider another degree.

So when I went to see some friends perform in a cabaret in January of 2023, it was the first time I’d stepped foot in a theater in almost a decade. Standing in the queue outside the theater, tears welled up in my eyes. Despite the bitter cold outside, I was ablaze with warmth from the excitement and emotion of going to the theater. It felt like going home. Perhaps some day I’ll even step foot on the stage again, myself…. At least now that possibility exists! Which means, dreams once again exist. Dreams, and the possibility of a beautiful, untethered future–a possibility I could not have fathomed only a short time ago.

One of my greatest sources of solace since I got out has been spending time in nature. And in the Life After, I have the time to do it. Trekking through the woods, along rivers and up small mountains, my heart comes alive. It trills at the sight of the massive tree limbs spread out way above my head, set to the backdrop of a blue or gray sky. The stillness and quiet of a little path with only the scurry of squirrels and chipmunks and the songs of birds along the way. If healing could be bottled, for me, it would be one of these beautiful moments out on a nature hike. In the Life After, I have the time and energy to go explore and enjoy these great outdoors. I can walk quietly, taking it all in and appreciating my surroundings. There is no incessant monologue prattling on endlessly from someone who has no ability to be still or quiet or appreciative of the moment (as I was constantly subjected to before). I am free to be present. I am free just to be.

And let us now take a moment of silence in deep love, appreciation and respect for our beautiful friend Sleep. Oh, how I love you, Sleep. Too long have we been kept apart. Too brief were our encounters – never complete. Living my life on someone else’s schedule and being perpetually on call to fulfill their desires and needs left little time for adequate sleep. Years of perpetual sleep deprivation take an extreme toll on mental, emotional and physical health which is hard to put into words. Suffice to say, it may still be another couple of years before I feel fully rested, but there is nothing more glorious than the freedom to go to sleep when I want to and to set my own healthy schedule that allows for a full night’s rest every-single-night. Glory be! Sleep and I have found our way back to each other again, at last.

Then there’s the people. Ohhh, the people. The wonderful, beautiful, kind and loving people who show up to surround and support you. I have met and been encompassed by the most incredible people since I left that dark and dreary hole of a life. I landed in all the perfect places to learn and remember that most people are good and kind – the opposite of what my “teacher” had drilled into my mind over time. I get to see and interact with the most beautiful souls now and their warmth, acceptance and support overwhelms me with gratitude. I’d forgotten how beautiful and gentle the world could be outside of a high control group.

And finally, there’s the personal growth. This is the most ironic point of all. As in most cultic groups, there was constantly presented the insane idea that those who decided to leave our fold were walking away from their personal and spiritual growth, that they were essentially “backsliding” and that their growth would be put on hold until another life. What a relief to now know what an utterly backwards, dipshit belief this was. The fact is just the opposite. My personal growth and spiritual connection have only deepened dramatically since I left that pit of control, scorn and judgment. It makes sense that when you stand up to your greatest fears, look them dead in the eye and choose a path of love for yourself, instead, that personal and spiritual growth would only prosper. But no cultic leader wants you to realize this, of course.

Don’t get me wrong. The recovery process is a bitch. It involves periods of deep grief, deep shame, and unnameable pain. It can be completely overwhelming, especially in the beginning. At times, it has felt like it will never get better. But I clung to the words of those who had traversed this path before me and they said over and over: It does get better! They weren’t wrong. It does get better. It is an uphill battle on many days, but the truth is, every moment outside of a high control group or an abusive relationship is FAR BETTER than even the best moment inside it. Once I began to move past the trauma-bond lies upon the initial exit, it became clearer and clearer. Recovery may be hard but it is #worthit a million times over.

They say that we’re all our own worst critics. That may be true…unless you live with a malignant narcissist. In which case, they will be your own worst critic – trust me! Even worse is when you start to internalize the voice of the narcissist in your own mind and begin to mistake it for your own. I’m here to tell you that if you choose to break free from that situation, you can find you own Inner Voice again instead. And you can discover it to be loving, supportive and your most trusted friend.

Rediscovering these passions and allowing myself to indulge in them has been a significant part of the recovery process. And they are an INCREDIBLE part of that process. It is like being raised from the dead and getting to live life brand new every single day. I may be starting over again from scratch, but I have the freedom and ability to do so and to do it the way that feels good and right to me. I get to honor my own Inner Voice, respect myself and take care of myself, and that is truly loving. Now that I am far away from the destructive forces that controlled my life, it is shockingly easy to do! When hard moments arrive, I’m more likely to speak kindly to myself in my own mind. I remind myself how far I’ve come and how well I’m doing. I help myself to see all the positives in my situation for which I am grateful. I tell myself that it is okay to feel whatever I am feeling and allow myself to move through it without so much damn judgment.

In all the sharing and the delving that comes with this process, the awesomeness of getting out should be discussed too. There are really great and worthwhile reasons to undertake this process in the first place. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t, at some point, suddenly experience tremendous awe and gratitude for the fact that I am completely and fully free. We must remember what drove us to face the fear and get out in the first place. There is so much goodness waiting to be had in The Life After.