The Journey

I’m back to report that life has been life-ing, as usual, and I’m still steady jogging to keep up with it all. We’ve just passed the 3 year anniversary of when #igotout, and to look back at how much life has changed in such a short period of time is positively mind blowing. 🤯 I don’t think too hard about it because I really can’t wrap my mind around it, to be perfectly honest. The profundity of the changes is almost beyond comprehension. It’s as if we’re making up for lost time at warp speed and it defies the laws of physics. It certainly defies the limiting beliefs that were upheld in my previously confined, detained and oppressive life circumstances.

So, I still find myself running to keep my head above water. The difference between then and now is that then, I was living in perpetual survival mode in order to navigate the constantly changing and ever-threatening world of cultic and narcissistic abuse, fighting for safety in a world where none would ever exist. Now, I am overcoming the challenges of recovery, reaching for stars I could have only dreamed of before and actively creating the most beautiful life-worth-living beyond anything I was ever permitted to imagine in the past.

Here’s the thing: Both of these lives involve(d) ongoing change, upheaval, bravery, work, determination and grit. The former life was a dark and destructive one. The current life is a positive and creative one. Both lives, however, involve these similar, internal aspects and elements.

A new challenge I have discovered is that my body and my nervous system do not yet know the difference. An incredible somatic healing massage therapist said to me recently that the physical experience of fear shows up in the body almost the exact same way as the experience of excitement. This can make things confusing for those of us who have lived in a state of fear for extended periods of time. Since fear and excitement are almost indiscernible from one another, in the way they show up in our bodies, we may not be able to tell the difference at all. Any feelings that resemble fear in the body, therefore, may be automatically interpreted as bad by our mind.

Nervous system healing and regulation has become a central part of my recovery journey, and as such, I have put enormous intention behind learning to calm and soothe myself. I have a variety of tools and techniques at my disposal, many of which I have been synthesizing within my own mind as I am distilling them into the new book. This process has reminded me of the importance of these regulation practices and of continuing to employ them myself. But what about when the dysregulation is the result of nothing more than excitement? What about when we’re feeling something very much like anxiety in our bodies but it’s actually positive, creative energy that is building up for a good purpose?

As I have been mulling this over in my mind, something fundamental has solidified there and I think it is an important point to realize on the healing journey. The point is simply this: Our job is not to prevent or avoid dysregulation within our minds, bodies, or nervous systems. Dysregulation is inevitable. Challenges will come. Upheaval will ensue. Difficulty will arise. That is life. And every time these instances occur, our nervous systems, and our equilibrium, will be rocked. But that is not a bad thing, and even more importantly, it does NOT mean that we’ve done something wrong. It just means that we have another opportunity to practice caring for ourselves, calming ourselves and loving ourselves through nervous system regulation practices.

I see the tendency so often in myself, and others with similar recovery paths, to assume that we’ve done something wrong when we’re feeling afraid or dysregulated. We default to self blame and guilt (as in many cases we have been conditioned to do). This makes regulating our minds and bodies even more challenging because it creates an extra hurdle in the process, one in which we must move past the self judgement in order to move into the self care mode to begin with. When I am feeling guilty and afraid because I think I have done something wrong to result in the feelings of dysregulation I am experiencing, it tends to land me in a state of paralysis. The fear and guilt can create a mire of stagnation which makes moving forward extra challenging.

A dear friend of mine recently shared that she has come to the realization that fear is not an indicator to stop, per se. Sometimes fear is just fear and all that is to be done is to feel it and move forward anyway. “I’ve decided to do it scared!” she declared, and she is 100% right. It is that old maxim, “feel the fear and do it anyway.” Fear can often trigger our survivalistic “freeze mode,” but once we are living a life of recovery–healing and thriving–fear must be accepted as information and as part of the process. It is not necessarily a stop sign.

That is why I believe it is worth taking a moment to call out the fact that dysregulation is not only not bad and does not indicate that we’ve done something wrong, but that it could actually, in fact, be the result of something good. Like any feeling or emotion, dysregulation is simply information. It need not equal guilt. Feelings of fear in the body may in fact be excitement about the next step, uncharted territories or big, beautiful, positive change that is simply unfamiliar. Only we can discern the difference by being still, sitting with it and listening to our inner heart-mind. While it can serve as red flag, it can also be an indicator of moving toward our heart’s desires.

I leave you with this quote which has repeatedly made it’s way to me through the pervading algorithm of my social media pages. Regrettably, the source is unknown, but the fundamental truth is worth sharing:
“You’re not healing to be able to handle trauma, pain, anxiety and depression. You’re used to those. You’re healing to be able to handle joy and expand your capacity for happiness in your life.“

Yes, it may be unfamiliar. Yes, it may feel strange, and even scary, in your bones. But let it in. Give yourself permission to feel the lightness, the joy, the excitement and the vast stores of goodness that are beckoning to you. That is my encouragement to us all.

❤️,
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